


Cross My Heart

by queen_mycroft



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 22:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6303355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_mycroft/pseuds/queen_mycroft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You don't know what Foggy could have seen in you. You're a puzzle missing thirty goddamn pieces. You don't know who you are unless you're breaking people's ribs.</p><p>*</p><p>A Matt Murdock character study with a little Matt/Foggy pining on the side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cross My Heart

You're choking on it. It feels like morphine, but not in that good way, where it fills you with warmth, with happiness. It's emptying you out. You feel like a bottle with a note in it, being thrown against the waves out of pure irony, pure sadism.

You've got enough nights of handheld adrenaline. He turned you inside out and you liked it, _you liked it._ You should feel some sort of vengeance coursing through your veins, but the only thing you feel right now is hollowness. You've got a dead father and a father figure that wanted you to make living people dead, and not much else to your name, not enough.

And no one ever looked at you like he did. Like you were good.

He only let you feel his face once, but you committed it to memory, used your downtime to try to figure out the rest. You think he's got shoulder length hair. Warm eyes. A smile that curves upwards. Sometimes you get really tired of guessing so you give up, but not really, not forever. Right now is one of those times where you wish your world wasn't darkness, a blend of red hot forms, so you could see his face, but you know - you know, if he ever saw you like this, you're not sure his face would be welcome.

There are hints and shades of his pain in his voice when he speaks to you, sometimes. You're going to snuff out the light inside of him. You know this. He knows it, too, God, he knows. He's too polite and too hopeful to allow himself to wonder, but he's not stupid, either. Foggy has never been stupid. He's always teasing you about being the neat Catholic boy, cleaning up your messes and making sure everyone is okay before worrying about yourself.

But the real joke is: there's a part of Foggy that knows that you're guilty as sin. That there is nothing more serious than a Catholic boy that's unscrupulous. The fact that you even know him and Karen; the fact you love them, proves the intensity of your unrivaled need to systematically destroy all the light in people's lives. If you just had enough clarity - a moment of perfect clarity - you would know what you had to do. You wouldn't be soft.

You're choking on the decision that you can't make. Lying in a pool of your own blood would be easier because you wouldn't have to think so hard. Sometimes you think about letting your guard down so someone can land the killing blow; that'd be easier.

You're bad and Foggy knows it but he still looks at you like you're good. You don't know why. You know the law. You know every street in this goddamn city. You know that there's a demon inside of you clawing to get free and how to focus so that the noise doesn't open up a fucking hole inside of you.

You don't know what Foggy could have seen in you. You're a puzzle missing thirty goddamn pieces. You don't know who you are unless you're breaking people's ribs. Especially not with him. He seems to be an angel sent down from heaven to taunt you. Did the Devil love God before He cast him out? Did the Prince of Lies want to kiss Him? Touch Him so he could remember what it was like to be good?

That, inherently, must be a sin as well. The dark cannot love the light, but somehow, they are always in tandem with one another. Does the Devil ever forget what it feels like to suffer? You _never_ do. Christ help you, Foggy tears you up and you _like_ it.

"You won't lose me," you'd told him, one summer. Your pulse was coming fast because you were lying. "Cross my heart."

_Hope to die._


End file.
